I Just Bought My First Politician: Make A Difference America!

I bought my first congressman today!!  I'm so excited!  Now, it's my first one keep in mind, so I had to go small.  It's a boy, I don't have the dollars to afford one at the federal or state level, but I was able to get one at the municipal level!!  He's a rescue actually! (Since he was censured from the board of Elgin trustees for having inappropriate relations with blue gill in the Lord's Park pond)  Here he is!

 

He's soooooo adorable!  His name is Larry Papellman, and he's all mine!

I was a bit nervous, being that I'm a first time politician owner.  I was not sure where to start!  The possibilities are endless!

Larry is crashing at my place, well my parents place since I live with them, after his wife changed the locks on him post the whole blue gill thing.  It's pretty amazing that happened, because it's how I was able to get him!  I think fate has a funny way calling on you when you are needed most.  It's a two way love, because I needed Larry to come into my life as much as he needed me!

Larry is the head of the water filtration committee, so maybe there is a good place.  I've been trying to find a way to get my human manure business going, and Larry is the perfect man to help!

The trouble with selling human feces lies mostly in harvesting it.  Like Larry, I have had a few scraps with Johnny Law whilst trying to extract this commodity.  But now with Larry in my pocket (or air mattress), I can use his influence to glean an unlimited supply without the burden of people freaking out when I go straight to the source.  Sure, the product won't be as fresh, but that is the cost of business!

I have lobbied my guy to introduce a statute that allows my LLC, and only my LLC, exclusive rights to the gold flowing through the filtration plant!  Larry was more than happy to oblige.  In his cute fashion he responded to my demand as such;

"Sure, sure kid, whatever!  You got anymore of that sniff?"

Not till you finish dinner Larry!  You little scamp!

On top of helping me with my business, Larry is also helping me find a good woman too!  What a blessing he is!  Larry said to me he knows all the "good spots", so I'm super excited!

I hope our story will bring hope to regular good people.  I want working class Americans like myself to take solace when they hear about us, knowing that they too can participate in the democratic process.

So stop whining America!  Get out there and do something to make a difference, just like Larry and I!  The American dream is not just for the rich, but rather anyone who has the temerity to pull themselves up by their boot straps and get involved.  I implore you to do like I did, get yourself a politician and stop crying that there is not one out there for you!  There are plenty of unwanted law makers and civil servants that need a good home!  We can't all have a purebred beltway legislator, but so what?  That is exactly the attitude that has destroyed the middle class, and left hundreds of small politicians like Larry without a good sponsor!

More to come!